Free Ballin’

I was browsing through one of my favorite sites yesterday, clutchfans.net, when I came across the news that Ruben Patterson had been waived by the Clippers. I was pretty surprised, because they had him signed to a cheap deal, under a million bucks, and the guy can play.

Patterson was always a favorite of mine at the University of Cincinnati, as fluid and nimble as any shooting guard you’d see, but much more powerful than almost any power forward or center he came across in the college ranks. He wasn’t a lottery pick because the guy had less skills with the ball than Paul Simon. Patterson just got by on athleticism and toughness, beasting his way to the rim for dunks or rebounds or just to lay a cheap shot on someone—but hey, that’s just Bob Huggins era Bearcats basketball, when players graduating was almost as likely as them getting arrested for punching a police horse.

So would I want my Rockets to pick him up? Well, they’d have to waive Steve Novak or Kirk Synder and that would really hurt the team. I mean, after all, Novak and Synder have a combined PER of almost 21 this year, so like, if the Rockets could play 6 guys on the floor at once then, in Novak-Snyder, they would kind of have a third all-star to play with TMac and Yao.

Also, I wonder if it’s worth the PR hit, waiving two (possibly, maybe) potentially useful young players for an older rapist. Oh, did I mention that Patterson was a convicted rapist? Well, OK, he was actually convicted third-degree attempted rape, but if you read the sketchy details uhhh…the guy’s a rapist with a really good lawyer.

So yeah, I’m a huge fan of Ruben Patterson’s game, but I don’t want a convicted sex offender on the Rockets. I prefer to root against rapists.

Not a clear enough argument against signing him? OK, well how about this: when I pen the movie-of-the-week Lockdown: the University of Cincinnati Basketball Story, where Sean Penn puts on 30 lbs to play Bob Huggins, Ruben Patterson will be played by the dude in Prodigy with the facial tattoos, zombie eyes, and dental implants. Can I make a better argument against signing him?

Well hey, there’s another pretty good argument here. Clippers GM Elgin Baylor waived Patterson, right? And Elgin knows talent so I fully trust his judgment. Hmmm…but maybe it’s not a talent issue. Maybe they caught Patterson engaging in some sort of unusual rookie hazing activities and felt it was best to quietly let him go. Who knows? With Patterson it could be anything.

So to the team that signs him, a little advice—lock up your daughters fellas, ’cause Ruben’s coming to town! No seriously, lock them up, be very careful, keep your doors dead-bolted at all times.